I just reread my last entry and now I’ve wiped the tears out of my eyes and am moving forward. Forward, forward, ever forward. I am a bit worried that if I stop I’ll get stuck in one place.
So I taught myself how to sew and have been making Christmas gifts. And I picked up bottles and stoppers and ordered vanilla beans for homemade vanilla extract. And I read this book in no time flat, have started this one and bought this one today.
I had dessert and chamomile tea with my best friend, and we talked about everything, and I realized just how very much I miss her. Even though she is a literal two minute drive away, we see each other far too little. She is the godmother to both my children, and they are so so lucky to count her among the people who love them.
I booked three sessions for this week, and I am pleased with the results.
I have had conversations with Noel about how he wants a “bump bed”, and laughed at his current fascination with the Discovery Channel, and in particular the show Canada’s Worst Driver. In the car this evening, he started spouting off random facts about that show. “Crystal has her new contact lens!”
I attended a town hall meeting about the new school campus, and then daydreamed on the drive home about the day when we buy our own space out in the country, and build the house I long for, the one with the wrap around porch and wide plank flooring.
I have nursed Holland countless times, sometimes relishing the weight of her body against my side, sometimes gritting my teeth and getting ready for weaning. I am on a fence between the huge benefits to her immune system and the huge detriment to my sanity.
I participated in a study (The Lived Experiences of Mothers of Children with Autism)and I can’t tell you how good it felt to sit down and be able to express some of the frustration we’ve been feeling about the system and the process. A parent should not have to fight for treatment, to struggle and beg for help. It is exhausting enough, as it is.
I have clenched my jaw so many times, during emotional meltdowns, that my teeth ache constantly. I have wanted to cry. But forward, forward, ever forward.
